Hi I am a 24 year old african american young lady who is dating an 30 year old white male. We have been dating for a little over a year and he still does not love me. He says that he really cares for me and doesnt know if he could ever love me because of what his ex-wife did to him. But its been over five years since they have split and I think that its time for him to move on and past that. He says that he doesnt love me and doesnt know if he can have a future with me but says he really cares for me and doesnt want me to leave him because Im the good woman that he needs in his life. He also wants me to have his children (which he would want full custody of) and says that we would be great parents even if we are not together. I mean he is a really nice person and takes care of me and provides for me like a man should but he is also a lira and a cheater. So should I just pack up and go or just stay and let him continue to be my “sponsor” and continue to take care of me until I can save enough money to stand on my own two feet? I mean will it seem like Im using him? Would I be wrong for doing that? I need some advice PLEASE HELP!Thank You,Young & Confused

You can find the full post here on the Strawberry Letters Archive.

Dear Confused,

There are so many issues here that I don’t know where to start first.  Let me start with this… He is using you.  He is doing all of the things that a boyfriend/significant other should do (except for the lying and cheating, but I’ll get to that in a minute), but there is no real commitment. This man is doing just enough to keep you interested, but there is no reward at the end.  No marriage.  No nothing.  He can’t even stay faithful to you or tell you the truth.  Then he has the audacity to say he wants kids with you but you can’t have custody?!?!?  I would’ve left him right then.  He is basically telling you that you are not good enough to be his wife or mother of his children.  Not to mention that he has told you that he does not love you.  Why are you accepting this treatment?  You are basically a Sugar Baby.  I think you know this because you referred to him as your “sponsor.”

So now what you need to think about are you goals in life.  Are you ok with being a Sugar Baby?  He’ll take care of you and raise the kids, but he won’t marry you.  He will continue to lie and cheat because he does not respect you.  Keep in mind that he may find another Sugar Baby that he likes better and kick you to the curb, which will probably happen sooner than you think.  If this sounds great to you, then just stay with this man.

However, if your goal is to fall in love and get married, this “relationship” is not helping you reach your goal.  You have to leave him.  It’s been over a year, and he has not changed.  He won’t change, especially since you have accepted his lying and cheating.  I’m curious to know what are you saying to yourself to make this ok.  To be honest, I think you have low self-esteem.  You are hanging on to a guy who is a liar, cheater, and does not love you.  Why?  Why do you think you deserve this?

If I were in your shoes, I would move out as soon as I could.  Find a trusted family member or friend you could stay with until you get back on your feet.  I would even suggest counseling.  I have a feeling there are some deep seated issues going on here.  If you don’t confront these issues, you’ll keep getting yourself into the same situation over and over.  If you don’t love and respect yourself, nobody else will.

Good luck to you.

~Jana

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**photo credit- coffeerhetoric.com

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