I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 months now and everything seemed to be going great. I’m 32 and he is 46. Most recently after one of our trips 1 month ago I noticed his ex-wife started to contact him more, “always something about the kids” Background- They were married 12 years and divorced now about 6 yrs. They have 2 children together, 22 and almost 17. I don’t have a problem with the communication because they are parents but why do they need to talk nearly every day. His kids are clearly old enough to reach out to their father if they need him. I too am divorced but I don’t talk to my ex-husband. If I have to talk to him, it is mostly through text or I am handing the phone to my child. I don’t need to speak to him constantly nor do I want to because my child is old enough to do that. He is 12. This is really making me uncomfortable but each time I try to say something it starts a huge argument. He made the statement that “if I want to be back with my ex-wife trust me I can”; I have been distant since then because I have been hurt in the past and that made my guards go up.
I feel that if we are trying to build a future we have to set boundaries and I want to be respected as his woman not a pyt. We both are too old for games. I am not a woman who is going to compete with an ex or any woman because I know my worth. I don’t want to give up on a man who I can see a future with but I feel like my 4 months with him can’t compete with their history and I rather give up than to have my heartbroken again.
What should I do?You can find this on the Strawberry Letter Archive.
I’m probably going to make some readers upset about this, but I don’t see anything wrong with what the boyfriend is doing. He has been divorced for SIX YEARS. Clearly, he does not plan on going back to his ex. They do have older kids together, but kids at that age can be hard to handle. There maybe something going on.
The Ex may be jealous of his new relationship with you, but from your letter, I don’t see him chasing after his ex. Don’t take his statement too seriously when he said, “If I want to be back with my ex-wife, trust me, I can.” Most men are not great at being reassuring. Communication is not a man’s strong point, especially during an argument. Plus, your relationship with him is so new, I would just put this to the side for now. I don’t see any hard evidence of cheating. So put those insecurities aside and continue dating him.
Good luck.
~Jana Leigh
What do you guys think? Does this sound suspicious to you?
If anyone has any questions or topic ideas, you can contact me at AskJanaLeigh@yahoo.com. I’m also on Twitter @AskJanaLeigh1
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Ask Jana Leigh 
I would have a serious problem too, but I agree, the relationship is too new to make a big deal about it now. Push it aside for now and focus on your relationship. However, if deep down you believe he and his ex have a possibility of getting back together, I would run.
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Yeah, I agree. From what she said in the letter, it does not seem too bad at this point. Just let it go for now.
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Nope. I didn’t think this was suspicious at all.
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I actually take it as a good sign of his character. Regardless of the fact his marriage ended, he’s still co-parenting. He’s there for his kids, no matter the age. And those are tough ages too, where the kids wont necessary want to speak to a parent. Checking up behind the scene maybe the only option. We don’t know the full story there, but I just see a man being mature. Now if the conversations are about the ex wife and only her…then there is a problem.
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I agree. I just didn’t see any clear signs of cheating.
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this isn’t about “cheating” or wanting to be back his his ex; it’s about guarding and protecting a new relationship. fine that he gets along with the ex about their kids and whatnot, but he’s got to guard and protect this new relationship his now in against harm or the feeling of such for the sake of his new partner who does, in fact, feel threatened. it takes some skill, some breaths, some patience, and some understanding on his part, especially since he’s considerably older and that, too, can feel intimidating, especially if his ex is around the same age and they’re all buddy-buddy. so, nothing “suspicious” at all—it’s about being sensitive, being able to relate to the other woman’s feelings here.
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So you’re saying the boyfriend needs to be more reassuring. Let her know that he only wants her. That may fix this issue. She does ,however, admit to having trust issues, so no amount of coddling may work for her right now. She’s only been dating this guy for four months, and she’s already throwing a tantrum. This would be a red flag for me.
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everybody has scripts, stories. she’s got hers; he’s got his. he picked to be with someone with trust issues, hello? and is yakking it up with the old mrs.,hello? and the new ms., well she chose to be with a guy who’s got years on her with experience, gets on great with the ex, and so on, to what, that’ll help her get over her trust issues, hello? sounds like they’re just writing, and re-writing the same old scripts they both know, independent of the other, already so well. if they both stick to these same ole worn out scripts, this is one of the netflix movies i won’t even watch more than less than half of.
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I just think the girlfriend is blowing some things out of proportion and needs to chill out.
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so be it. the girl’s gotta take a chill pill.
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urrrr. to be back his his= to be back with his; his now in=he’s now in.
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We all have insecurities. And the relationship with his ex is bringing out hers. But if that relationship is important to him, and he’s still nurturing it for whatever reason, the girlfriend can either leave, or put up with it, or try to control his behavior, which won’t work. And if he gives in to the pressure to stop talking to the ex, he will resent the girlfriend’s controlling behavior. To get to the root of the issue, in this relationship or the next (when her insecurities come up again) she needs to dig deep and deal with her own issues of mistrust, because those were there long before this relationship. Only way to break the pattern. I never dated men with children for this reason. Sure enough, once I did, this was an issue- but it was MY issue. I’m of the view that relationships are eternal- especially if they created children together. They have bond that will span lifetimes. Unless he’s being inappropriate, you have to deal.
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